Things I wish I told myself.

“He does not want to love me anymore.”

“Sigh. You can’t do anything about it, can you? Let it sink in. You’ll be okay. If you have to cry and be sad, just do. Okay? If he does not want to love you anymore, a lot of other people want to and will love you. Not in the same way, but it’s love nonetheless. And I know that there is really nothing that I can say or do to make you feel any better, but just be rest assured that I’m here for you, okay?”

“Is this how heart break feels like?”

“Pretty much, although it differs from person to person. But yeah, it essentially feels like that. And that’s… okay. Because you will get out of it and move on soon.”

“I don’t know what he wants now. But I don’t want to move on.”

“Sigh. I don’t either. But I want you to know that you have to give it time and let it sink in. I know that you don’t want to move on, and for now that’s okay; you just need time for it to sink in.

For the record (and as cliche as it sounds), you deserve better. You deserve someone who wouldn’t tell you that they don’t want and don’t know how to love you anymore. You deserve someone who loves every flaw and every perfection of you, to love you for being you.”

“Okay. I guess I need time to let all these settle down.” 

“Yeah, just give it time. It is going to be really heartbreaking when you finally accept the truth of it all, but I am telling you that it’s okay. That is the first step to recovery, to moving on. And hey, I still feel the heart break every now and then about him, y’know? It does not end just right there; time is a tricky thing.

For the record, he still has an effect on me and it hits me when I least expect it. Sometimes I stop whatever that I am doing just to get temporarily lost in that moment. Memories of him are always nestled in my head, and I always wonder why these little things can trigger tidal waves of emotions and hit me like a ton of bricks. I am content with what I have and how far I have progressed, but that does not stop them from coming back. I see him in my dreams, in the voice of someone talking about his favourite football team, in the cologne of a stranger passing by; these moments catch me off guard and confuse me, but I learnt to just let them happen. He truly is someone special and even if they are merely hazy memories, those moments serve as little reminders of my capability to love, to be hurt, to survive and to love all over again.”

“I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to break up with him.”

“But you can’t just let it drag on. It’s not going to do you any good. Just… give it time. And when things ran out on its course, things will end naturally.”

“It’s okay. I think I can deal with this. Not now, but I will be able to.”

“Yes, of course you can. You are a tough cookie, and that is very admirable. I am so proud and envious of how strong you are. No, you don’t have to deal with all of this right now. But you will, in due time. And that’s really okay. What you need now is to dwell about it (whether wallowing in a pool of tears or not) and really let it sink in, ideally with a pint of ice cream and a rom-com too. One day when you wake up, it would not hurt as bad anymore. It will ebb and sting, but every blow will hurt lesser than the previous.

Everything happens for a reason. One day, the reason will be very apparent to you, when there is someone who is going to (and definitely will) make you really happy. But also, do not regret this. Do not ever regret whatever that you both had; that is something that nobody can take away from you. Do not ever try to hate him (take it from me: it doesn’t work like that to actually move on and forget about someone. I regretted it).”

“I will not hate him, because I still love him. It is so heartbreaking to be told that he does not want to love me anymore.” 

“Yes, that is true. That’s when I realised that I can never hate him, because I will always love him. Not in the way that I used to (I am still coming to terms with this), not in the way the he sees it, but I still love him nonetheless. He has taken a special space in the very corner of my heart, and very few people got to where he is. What matters is that I know that I will always love him, regardless of whether he understands it or not.

Aww I know. It really is tough. It is equally as bad as someone telling you that they cannot love you in the same way anymore and that you actually know that they refuse want to tell you that they don’t love you anymore.”

“But I don’t get why he finds it hard to love me.”

“That, I don’t understand too. You can’t possibly find it difficult to love someone. You don’t need a reason to love someone, actually. You just love them for who they are.”

Important lesson: For nights when you feel the loneliest and when you cannot fathom why you just cannot turn to anyone, always remember that there are people looking out for you, always ready to listen to you even if you have to blabber a colossal mess of words just to get it off your chest.

2 thoughts on “Things I wish I told myself.

  1. I’m proud of you, you know, for realising your worth and making conscious effort into getting toxic out of your life. You didn’t undermine the fact that you have a choice – you make the best of it. It is something a lot of people struggle with but you are not one of them. In fact, you are not any of them. I hope you are proud of yourself because what you have been doing requires a lot of courage and self perseverance.

    And you are right. People are always there for you when you need to talk it out, and I’m definitely one of them. Power through, my tough cookie. You will be alright. ❤

    • It’s the progress that counts, and the countless of times that I’ve picked myself up from a downfall that helps. I know that you are always there for me (of course; you are my best and on-top-of-the-list favourite person on the face of the Earth) ❤

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