If there is one promise that I am intending to keep in 2015, it would be to write a (possibly very long-winded) post to wrap up the year. This post is probably one that I spent a lot of time writing – perhaps it is because I want it to turn out as flawless as possible, hah – because there is so much on my mind but at the same time, there is so little that I could put into words.
From all the writing that took place in almost every room in the house, the restaurant, coffee shops, car rides, airports, park benches, and in between the moments of waiting, here’s the last bit of 2015.
So, where do I begin?
Let’s just say that I am not quite ready to leave the year behind, but there are times that I had eagerly anticipated the last day of the year really badly.
2015 taught me more life lessons.
2015 thrown me to the ground and smashed reality to my face.
2015 made me laughed harder, cried too much, smiled excessively, and lost my temper too quickly.
2015 threw me too many curveballs, testing my resilience with each one.
2015 taught me how to appreciate the little progresses.
There is so much truth in “it’s the little progress that counts”.
It is amazing to see how far I could go by laying one brick at a time, only to step back and to realise that I have built a wall.
Every time I had an emotional relapse, I took it badly.
What I failed to see is how much stronger I came out from each mental breakdown.
I suppose this is the drawback of only paying attention to the bigger picture when I should have paid attention to the minute details.
It is truly a beauty in disguise.
2015 showed me the people who would actually be there
when they said “I will always have your back”.
2015 reminded me who my real friends are,
the ones who stuck with me through every thick and thin
regardless of how much I pushed them away
and said “I’m okay” when I am not.
2015 reminded me of friends who I should cherish more,
the ones who I neglected,
the ones who I overlooked
and took for granted.
2015 reminded me how much I am loved
by the people around me.
2015 taught me to lower down my guard,
and to let in those who had fought hard to earn my trust.
2015 taught me to accept reality
with a bigger heart and an open mind.
2015 saw me opening up and talking to people about my emotional struggles.
2015 saw me at the prime of my game, physically.
I threw punches and kicks.
I lifted weights.
I squatted with weights. [Achievement unlocked!]
I ran more miles.
I am not too sure if it was the change of mindset or peer pressure that pushed me to start getting into better shape, but I am immensely thankful for that. Cardio workouts six days a week, followed by jogging and high-intensity interval training twice a week – boy, was I at a high. I broke my preconceived stigma about the gym and lifting weights when I bought a one-month gym pass, and I am looking forward to more gym sessions next year. I was fueled with motivation to participate in runs and completed my first ever obstacle course race.
At the same time,
2015 saw me hit the lowest of lows, emotionally.
It showed me that the strongest bond can be broken by something (or someone) in the blink of an eye – one small thing changes everything.
I failed the CLP examinations, a milestone that I aimed to achieve and my passport to the legal profession.
I argued and lost my patience far too many times with the person I hold the closest to my heart.
I lost friendships that I thought would last a lifetime.
I gave away too many benefits of the doubt and put too much of hope on people, only to be torn down over time and time again.
I lost a part of myself in the midst of it all, because that is when I realised how hurt I was. I almost always feel uncomfortable talking about how I deal with my emotional struggles, but it has been far too taxing this year. I see myself lose that tinge of optimism in me, succumbing into such darkness that I never expect of myself. I spent too many nights lying awake in bed, crying myself to sleep, jolting awake from endless nightmares and vivid dreams… it seems like a repetition of 2014 with more severity. It got to the point that I lost my appetite entirely, struggled to sleep and lost my drive to do the things that I love. It is true that a lot of people with emotional struggles had it far worse than I do, but it is such a ride through hell for me so much so that I reached to the brink of seeking for professional help.
I saw myself getting better, but I still have my worse days too. It is an uphill battle from here but each day will be easier to get by; amidst rocky roads, there are smooth trail roads too. I get to be who I am today and to see how much I have grown from these mess. The strength is not the the easiest to gain, but it is so rewarding to know how much stronger I get after each downfall. Emotional battles and relapses will continue to remind me that I can brave each storm, and soon I will see the finish line.
I’d lie if I say I am not one of the people who claimed “2015 is a shit year”. But the bottom line is, 2015 has been nothing short of a wonderful year.
2015, thanks for the memories and life lessons.
2016, I am ready to welcome you with open arms, an open mind and a bigger heart.
While I am out eating and drinking the last day of the year away, I hope that each and every one of you will stay safe, be merry and usher in the new year happily (and soberly).
Have a very blessed and happy new year, everyone.
Here’s to 2016! 🙂