Question: how do you deal with a situation that is so broken beyond repair but at the very same time, you are left with no choice besides making it right?
I fight the voices in my head that tells me of what little I am left with to do. I fight the negativity brimming from the conversations that I had. I fight to steer clear from adopting the perspectives from the eyes of others. I fight the monsters that comes alive vividly in my dreams, reminding me of what could happen.
Question: how do you deal with losing a person that you used to know and subsequently having to learn to live with this new person that they have become?
All the long talks that I had with people in hopes of kicking the hatred and negativity out of my system did me good. Yet, they never stop the demons that haunt me in the last waking minutes of the day just when I am about to drift into sleep.
The demons bring the good memories but just as it sinks in, they twist the knife of melancholy and travesty into your flesh and let the pain ebb through the bleeding wound. Every good memory feels like a lifetime ago, and knowing the reality of how the differences set this person further than oceans and continents could is the killer. The pain actually hurts physically somehow – it is one of those peculiar things in life where no words can truly explain.
Photos, words, songs, places, scent… they have the power to tear me down. For every time that it does, I hit a new all-time low.
And sometimes, shutting myself out from everyone seems like the only thing that I could do.
Question: how do you live with this whole new situation and make it bearable?
I have always been optimistic, so much so that at times it becomes blind optimism. I give every benefit of the doubt because I know that there is more than meets the eye.
I suppose this run of optimism is coming to an end;
there is not much left to it.
But I can’t pack my bags, say “I’m done” and leave,
neither can I sit around and not do anything about it.
I am not one who cares about every goddamn person in the world.
But when I happen to care a lot about someone,
I’d do anything and everything for them.
That is why I tried very hard.
That is why I still am trying very hard.
Perhaps no matter how hard I try, it is not enough to make amends to such an irreversible situation.
I am caught in the middle,
stuck in between,
sandwiched with all the could-have-dones and should-have-dones.
Fingers are pointing at me.
Daggers of words are thrown at me.
But disappointment and hurt is all I see.