Goodbye, 2016; Hello, 2017.

 

Another year has passed.
It is time for a reflection of the year.

 

It feels like it was just yesterday when I was reviewing my last post of 2015 to wrap up the year.

 

2016 whizzed past with a lot of contemplations and doubts about my capabilities to retake the CLP exams for the second time, and whether a job in the legal profession is something that I wanted as a career. I know I wanted something bigger, something different in 2016. I wanted to take risks, I wanted to see how far I could go if I was a little braver. A lot of personal obligations stopped me from getting a job – which in turn stopped me in pursuing interests of my own. But like any other inspiring story that we hear about, I had a breakthrough in the final quarter of the year. I was brave enough to take a leap of faith to make my application to join MYCorps and joining the programme is arguably the best decision that my indecisive of self has made. It is a decision that I have zero regrets with. In return, I got the experience of a lifetime and met lifelong friends. (I promise, separate posts about MYCorps!)

 

Simply to say, 2016 was a lot about taking risks and being braver.
2016 was about regaining trust and reevaluating friendships.
2016 was about building stronger relationships.
2016 was about owning up to my words and living up to my promises.
2016 was about conquering unspoken fears within myself.
2016 was about being humble to learn life lessons from the underprivileged.
2016 was about being better: for myself, for people around me, for the society.

 

What a year it has been.
Damn it, 2016 – you have overdone yourself.

 
 

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2016, thank you for yet another great year of self-discovery and a life-changing experience to wrap up the year.

 

2017, I am ready for another year of making mistakes, learning and growing. I am ready for a year of adventures and crazy risks.

 

Happy New Year, all. 🙂

 

Enouement

 
For me, the biggest life lesson of 2015 is learning to let go.
One and a half years on, yet I am still learning.

 

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Think of it in a similar way to the seven stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, reflection and loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, acceptance and hope. I suppose the battle was made tougher because I was caught up in my own bubble of beliefs.

 
What we had was not something that lasted very long to begin with,
but that does not make it hurt any lesser.
That does not make the quality of it lesser.
That does not make moving on easier.

 
It is a punch in the gut to realise how things have to end the way they did. I was tormented with the what ifs, the whys, the hows, the could have beens, the would have beens. I realised how much of a mistake it was to skip the grieving and to get down to the grind, busying myself in hopes of forgetting you when all it did was to make everything worse. I was battered with immense self-doubt and I was always swarmed with the thoughts of how I will never be good enough, never smart enough, never attractive enough – losing all my self-esteem in one go. In the midst of living with an idealised image of you, I forgot to reflect on my actions and decisions. To top it off, I was too engrossed with the distractions of you that I do not know why everything went down south until it was too late – I cared far too little about myself and was blindsided. The key was to have rational, good, and realistic idealised images of you while fighting the cynic in me, but it is quite a balance to strike and I admittedly failed to see the better side of things.

 
When you said that we are better off away from each other and not in talking terms, it hurt. It hurt, but it was something that was needed to be done. What I know is that you have earned a special spot in my heart; what I don’t know is whether I am someone equally special to you, or whether I am just another addition to your jar of hearts. I always wondered if you flinched at the thought of losing me, but I suppose that it did not matter – at some point in our lives, we are just the other guy or girl to someone else. It made me feel belittled and it tore me down. The rejection felt like the whole world rejected me, but heck it was a breathe of fresh air upon realisation.

 
You know what they say that the only way a wound can heal is if you stop touching it? The thing about this wound is that it itches almost all the time and you’d scratch it more often than not. For me, the wound is healing bit by bit. There are still nights that I have relapses: I wallow and mull over it for hours before falling asleep, only to wake up feeling a tad better than I was. It has not been the best healing process, but it is a healing process nonetheless. To my surprise, I feel a surge of relief that you have been minimising me out of your life. Perhaps it is better that you no longer speak to me at your own accord, perhaps it is how you do things, perhaps it is a wise move. Perhaps it is for the best that now all we do is have occasional exchange of text messages. What I know is that I am slowly but surely doing much better without you, physically and mentally.

 
In the end, I accept that we have to move past this. I respect your decision and despite being bitter about it, this is something that I have to live with and focus in working towards other goals. I decided that it was about time that I focus on my self-improvement. Soon enough, I stopped measuring how much you fought for other people against how much you fought for me; I learnt it the hard way that it is different, and it does not determine how I ‘deserve’ you or how you should love me.

 
A lot of well-intentioned people tend to trivialise things, sugarcoat the truth and coddle me with the whole “you will find someone better” / “you deserve so much more” thing, in hopes of making me feel better. But it is time and several people facing the same struggle that understood me, helping me put everything into context and to validate my love for you.

 
In a moment of surrender, I want you to know that my love for you knows no boundaries and no condition. Someone once told me that one’s unconditional love for another is a beauty that we rarely have the privilege to enjoy. It is the saddest yet somewhat satisfying kind of love, because all you’d want is for the other person to be happy. Despite not getting anything in return, it is the satisfaction of seeing the smile on their faces and how they are genuinely happy that is truly rewarding. Only this time, all you can do is to love from a distance. It is ridiculous that sometimes we are not allowed to care, love and give to the person we adore so much any longer that we want to.

 
I believe that I had my fair share of persistence and giving endless benefits of the doubts. I believe that I have done enough to fight for a spot in your heart and busted my ass to becoming the best. It has come to this inevitable point in our lives where we are falling out. As much as I hate to say this, but now I believe when you said that you did not appreciate me enough, that you are the one on the loosing end here, that I will find someone else when I am ready to love again, and that there is someone who would definitely appreciate me more than you did. I believe your assertion that I should find someone who appreciates all my qualities.

 
I trust that you and I both shaped each other to be who we are today in some way. We could have done it ourselves, but we had the privilege of having each other as support systems. I may not be the best to give you what you are looking for, but I hope that it was what you needed at that point in time. I’d like to think that I helped you in your lonelier days when it was too overwhelming for you, but I never needed a reciprocal return. It’s just how I love – wholeheartedly, despite differences in every aspect, because I chose to love you; it is not the kind of love that everybody can give and receive. From all that has happened, the only things that I can keep are our memories, tinted with slight melancholy but forever special to me as long as the stars remember to shimmer. I will always remember that you are the best thing that happened to me two years ago. Remember that all I ever want is the best of everything for you, and that is why I let you go, so that you can truly be happy with whoever you want, wherever you are.

 
I am glad for the torment that you put me through. I saw the beauty of what we had despite the colossal mess and that made me appreciate you more, whether as a friend or someone more than a friend. It forced myself back on my two feet and fight the pain. I hope that someday I will be able to look back and to be proud of who I have become.

 
There is still a long way until this storm passes
but one thing is for sure:
someday, I will be dancing in the rain,
happily,
and without you by my side.

 

Of funny laughs, quirks and you.

Hey, you.

I have been thinking about you lately. Coming across a photo of you and your friends while aimlessly scrolling through my Facebook timeline certainly has quite an effect in striking the nostalgic chord. It hit me hard, to realise that it has been far too long since I’ve last spoken to you. I know that we are both busy with our lives, but hey, that is just an excuse. What I realised next was worse: we drifted apart.

 

I remember trying a little too hard to keep up with you, because I didn’t want to lose a friend like you. I seize every opportunity to slip in a ‘hey, how’s it going?’ whenever I reply to your text messages. But I remember that it did not went as I expected: gradually, it became generic answers which inevitably turned out to what seems to be disinterest. I stopped trying, even though our friendship is one that I fully invested in keeping. Over the years, I kept myself preoccupied and focused on my studies. There were occasions that warrant conversations with you. You were welcoming and chatty as I remember, something that I like about you that puts me at ease. Despite that, I saw the subtle changes in you. You were… different. I didn’t know how to keep up with you anymore; we are both running through different race tracks now, both only comfortable in the tracks of our choice. I recall how much it hurt to see you different from the version and idea of you that I remembered. Nevertheless, my memory of you is hazy, covered in layers of dust, stowed away at the far corner of my mind.

 

I am glad that we spoke last year, albeit rather briefly. I hear stories about you from a mutual friend every now and then, and boy, I am so relieved to hear that you are still the same person who made that awkward conversation ending up with us bursting into fits of laughter which led us to being close friends. I wished that I had more perseverance to tip the scale, to make things work.

 

About time that I send the long-awaited catch up text message, eh? (I’ll get around to it, I promise.)

 

P.S. That laugh of yours? Hands down the funniest, and I bet that I’d still crack up when I hear it!

 
 

From,

Samz x
(just like old times 🙂 )

Things I wish I told myself.

“He does not want to love me anymore.”

“Sigh. You can’t do anything about it, can you? Let it sink in. You’ll be okay. If you have to cry and be sad, just do. Okay? If he does not want to love you anymore, a lot of other people want to and will love you. Not in the same way, but it’s love nonetheless. And I know that there is really nothing that I can say or do to make you feel any better, but just be rest assured that I’m here for you, okay?”

“Is this how heart break feels like?”

“Pretty much, although it differs from person to person. But yeah, it essentially feels like that. And that’s… okay. Because you will get out of it and move on soon.”

“I don’t know what he wants now. But I don’t want to move on.”

“Sigh. I don’t either. But I want you to know that you have to give it time and let it sink in. I know that you don’t want to move on, and for now that’s okay; you just need time for it to sink in.

For the record (and as cliche as it sounds), you deserve better. You deserve someone who wouldn’t tell you that they don’t want and don’t know how to love you anymore. You deserve someone who loves every flaw and every perfection of you, to love you for being you.”

“Okay. I guess I need time to let all these settle down.” 

“Yeah, just give it time. It is going to be really heartbreaking when you finally accept the truth of it all, but I am telling you that it’s okay. That is the first step to recovery, to moving on. And hey, I still feel the heart break every now and then about him, y’know? It does not end just right there; time is a tricky thing.

For the record, he still has an effect on me and it hits me when I least expect it. Sometimes I stop whatever that I am doing just to get temporarily lost in that moment. Memories of him are always nestled in my head, and I always wonder why these little things can trigger tidal waves of emotions and hit me like a ton of bricks. I am content with what I have and how far I have progressed, but that does not stop them from coming back. I see him in my dreams, in the voice of someone talking about his favourite football team, in the cologne of a stranger passing by; these moments catch me off guard and confuse me, but I learnt to just let them happen. He truly is someone special and even if they are merely hazy memories, those moments serve as little reminders of my capability to love, to be hurt, to survive and to love all over again.”

“I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to break up with him.”

“But you can’t just let it drag on. It’s not going to do you any good. Just… give it time. And when things ran out on its course, things will end naturally.”

“It’s okay. I think I can deal with this. Not now, but I will be able to.”

“Yes, of course you can. You are a tough cookie, and that is very admirable. I am so proud and envious of how strong you are. No, you don’t have to deal with all of this right now. But you will, in due time. And that’s really okay. What you need now is to dwell about it (whether wallowing in a pool of tears or not) and really let it sink in, ideally with a pint of ice cream and a rom-com too. One day when you wake up, it would not hurt as bad anymore. It will ebb and sting, but every blow will hurt lesser than the previous.

Everything happens for a reason. One day, the reason will be very apparent to you, when there is someone who is going to (and definitely will) make you really happy. But also, do not regret this. Do not ever regret whatever that you both had; that is something that nobody can take away from you. Do not ever try to hate him (take it from me: it doesn’t work like that to actually move on and forget about someone. I regretted it).”

“I will not hate him, because I still love him. It is so heartbreaking to be told that he does not want to love me anymore.” 

“Yes, that is true. That’s when I realised that I can never hate him, because I will always love him. Not in the way that I used to (I am still coming to terms with this), not in the way the he sees it, but I still love him nonetheless. He has taken a special space in the very corner of my heart, and very few people got to where he is. What matters is that I know that I will always love him, regardless of whether he understands it or not.

Aww I know. It really is tough. It is equally as bad as someone telling you that they cannot love you in the same way anymore and that you actually know that they refuse want to tell you that they don’t love you anymore.”

“But I don’t get why he finds it hard to love me.”

“That, I don’t understand too. You can’t possibly find it difficult to love someone. You don’t need a reason to love someone, actually. You just love them for who they are.”


Important lesson: For nights when you feel the loneliest and when you cannot fathom why you just cannot turn to anyone, always remember that there are people looking out for you, always ready to listen to you even if you have to blabber a colossal mess of words just to get it off your chest.