For me, the biggest life lesson of 2015 is learning to let go.
One and a half years on, yet I am still learning.
Think of it in a similar way to the seven stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, reflection and loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, acceptance and hope. I suppose the battle was made tougher because I was caught up in my own bubble of beliefs.
What we had was not something that lasted very long to begin with,
but that does not make it hurt any lesser.
That does not make the quality of it lesser.
That does not make moving on easier.
It is a punch in the gut to realise how things have to end the way they did. I was tormented with the what ifs, the whys, the hows, the could have beens, the would have beens. I realised how much of a mistake it was to skip the grieving and to get down to the grind, busying myself in hopes of forgetting you when all it did was to make everything worse. I was battered with immense self-doubt and I was always swarmed with the thoughts of how I will never be good enough, never smart enough, never attractive enough – losing all my self-esteem in one go. In the midst of living with an idealised image of you, I forgot to reflect on my actions and decisions. To top it off, I was too engrossed with the distractions of you that I do not know why everything went down south until it was too late – I cared far too little about myself and was blindsided. The key was to have rational, good, and realistic idealised images of you while fighting the cynic in me, but it is quite a balance to strike and I admittedly failed to see the better side of things.
When you said that we are better off away from each other and not in talking terms, it hurt. It hurt, but it was something that was needed to be done. What I know is that you have earned a special spot in my heart; what I don’t know is whether I am someone equally special to you, or whether I am just another addition to your jar of hearts. I always wondered if you flinched at the thought of losing me, but I suppose that it did not matter – at some point in our lives, we are just the other guy or girl to someone else. It made me feel belittled and it tore me down. The rejection felt like the whole world rejected me, but heck it was a breathe of fresh air upon realisation.
You know what they say that the only way a wound can heal is if you stop touching it? The thing about this wound is that it itches almost all the time and you’d scratch it more often than not. For me, the wound is healing bit by bit. There are still nights that I have relapses: I wallow and mull over it for hours before falling asleep, only to wake up feeling a tad better than I was. It has not been the best healing process, but it is a healing process nonetheless. To my surprise, I feel a surge of relief that you have been minimising me out of your life. Perhaps it is better that you no longer speak to me at your own accord, perhaps it is how you do things, perhaps it is a wise move. Perhaps it is for the best that now all we do is have occasional exchange of text messages. What I know is that I am slowly but surely doing much better without you, physically and mentally.
In the end, I accept that we have to move past this. I respect your decision and despite being bitter about it, this is something that I have to live with and focus in working towards other goals. I decided that it was about time that I focus on my self-improvement. Soon enough, I stopped measuring how much you fought for other people against how much you fought for me; I learnt it the hard way that it is different, and it does not determine how I ‘deserve’ you or how you should love me.
A lot of well-intentioned people tend to trivialise things, sugarcoat the truth and coddle me with the whole “you will find someone better” / “you deserve so much more” thing, in hopes of making me feel better. But it is time and several people facing the same struggle that understood me, helping me put everything into context and to validate my love for you.
In a moment of surrender, I want you to know that my love for you knows no boundaries and no condition. Someone once told me that one’s unconditional love for another is a beauty that we rarely have the privilege to enjoy. It is the saddest yet somewhat satisfying kind of love, because all you’d want is for the other person to be happy. Despite not getting anything in return, it is the satisfaction of seeing the smile on their faces and how they are genuinely happy that is truly rewarding. Only this time, all you can do is to love from a distance. It is ridiculous that sometimes we are not allowed to care, love and give to the person we adore so much any longer that we want to.
I believe that I had my fair share of persistence and giving endless benefits of the doubts. I believe that I have done enough to fight for a spot in your heart and busted my ass to becoming the best. It has come to this inevitable point in our lives where we are falling out. As much as I hate to say this, but now I believe when you said that you did not appreciate me enough, that you are the one on the loosing end here, that I will find someone else when I am ready to love again, and that there is someone who would definitely appreciate me more than you did. I believe your assertion that I should find someone who appreciates all my qualities.
I trust that you and I both shaped each other to be who we are today in some way. We could have done it ourselves, but we had the privilege of having each other as support systems. I may not be the best to give you what you are looking for, but I hope that it was what you needed at that point in time. I’d like to think that I helped you in your lonelier days when it was too overwhelming for you, but I never needed a reciprocal return. It’s just how I love – wholeheartedly, despite differences in every aspect, because I chose to love you; it is not the kind of love that everybody can give and receive. From all that has happened, the only things that I can keep are our memories, tinted with slight melancholy but forever special to me as long as the stars remember to shimmer. I will always remember that you are the best thing that happened to me two years ago. Remember that all I ever want is the best of everything for you, and that is why I let you go, so that you can truly be happy with whoever you want, wherever you are.
I am glad for the torment that you put me through. I saw the beauty of what we had despite the colossal mess and that made me appreciate you more, whether as a friend or someone more than a friend. It forced myself back on my two feet and fight the pain. I hope that someday I will be able to look back and to be proud of who I have become.
There is still a long way until this storm passes
but one thing is for sure:
someday, I will be dancing in the rain,
and without you by my side.