Stay afloat, don’t drown.


It has been a busy start to the first month of 2017.
I have been trying to sort out my priorities,
mainly job hunting.
For the past 5 weeks, the uncertainties don’t get any lesser.
Every application I make is a test of luck.
Every step I take is a leap of faith.


The peer pressure is setting in.
I tend to be lost in conversations with friends
because when everyone talks about their career,
it hits me:
I have no colleagues to praise / rant about.
I have no work stress to complain about.
I have no job to talk about.
It is difficult and frustrating
when I feel like I have so much to offer,
yet to only come back struggling with reality.


I’d say that it is just a phase,
and I hope that I am right.



All the possibilities… 


We always have a choice.
A choice of words,
a choice of actions,
a choice of thoughts;
it is up to us.


We have the liberty to say what we want, but often in time we limit ourselves and stop in the tracks before the regret sets in.


I could tell you a million things, but I chose to tell you none.


I could give in and tell you the truth, but I chose to turn away from you.


I could leave when it is the easy way out, but I chose to stay when it is the toughest to do.


I want nothing more than to be honest with you, but the choice to maintain the status quo seems to be the wisest.


… but not for me.


Day 1 – Dorm Life Begins


I have been longing to leave home again.
Not permanently, and not for long.
But long enough to get some space,
to gain some new experiences,
and to broaden my horizons.


In the last two years,
I learnt that I have far too much to leave behind.
I realised that sometimes
foregoing dreams is the only option.


Not this time.
Not when I fought harder.
Not when I set new goals.




All set for a brand new experience and an adventure of a lifetime! 🙂


Run, and never stop






Fact: I have always hated running.

Competing for the relay events during the annual sports year in high school certainly does not connote that I loved it or that I was good or fit. I was never the best, but not the worst.

I have stopped running since I dislocated my right kneecap (and eventually dislocating both altogether), and it was tough to pick it back up.

It was tough because I could not focus on running for more than 10 minutes, let alone a few kilometres.

I just stopped feeling the joy I used to enjoy from running.

Call it therapy or remedy, but I picked up running again this year.
Like many people, running became my temporary escape.
For a few minutes, for an hour,
I was free from my trouble and worries.



The initial progress was exhausting, painful, and gruesome – all I want to do after every run was to quit. But somehow, it became a big part of my routine. It became a discipline, it became something that I genuinely enjoy.

Starting my day before 6AM on four mornings in a week doesn’t feel like a chore.
I lay down my running gear the night before a run (for real).
I grew fond of peanut butter and banana toast; a perfect pre-run fuel.
KT Tape and knee guards are my best friends,
and so are my specially curated Spotify playlist and the Nike+ Running app.
The track and the lake are my safe havens.


What amazed me is completing my first 10K run under my target time (!!!) at the Standard Chartered Kuala Lumpur Marathon.



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From there on, it just keeps getting better.
Weekly 10K runs.
Clocking in more miles and new PBs.
Completing my first run on the road AND my first 16K run.
(Honestly I am amazed at how I did not faint or puked!)


In fact, running has also transcend into my outlook on life.


It helped me to deal with negativity,
to stay focused on my goals,
to accept defeat but to never give up,
to put in hard work and be persistent,
to believe that I can achieve anything
so long as I put my mind to it.


The best part?


I have never been happier in a very long while  🙂



Page 365 of 365, Chapter 2015

If there is one promise that I am intending to keep in 2015, it would be to write a (possibly very long-winded) post to wrap up the year. This post is probably one that I spent a lot of time writing – perhaps it is because I want it to turn out as flawless as possible, hah – because there is so much on my mind but at the same time, there is so little that I could put into words.

From all the writing that took place in almost every room in the house, the restaurant, coffee shops, car rides, airports, park benches, and in between the moments of waiting, here’s the last bit of 2015.


So, where do I begin?

Let’s just say that I am not quite ready to leave the year behind, but there are times that I had eagerly anticipated the last day of the year really badly.

2015 taught me more life lessons.
2015 thrown me to the ground and smashed reality to my face.
2015 made me laughed harder, cried too much, smiled excessively, and lost my temper too quickly.
2015 threw me too many curveballs, testing my resilience with each one.

2015 taught me how to appreciate the little progresses.
There is so much truth in “it’s the little progress that counts”.
It is amazing to see how far I could go by laying one brick at a time, only to step back and to realise that I have built a wall.
Every time I had an emotional relapse, I took it badly.
What I failed to see is how much stronger I came out from each mental breakdown.
I suppose this is the drawback of only paying attention to the bigger picture when I should have paid attention to the minute details.

It is truly a beauty in disguise.

2015 showed me the people who would actually be there
when they said “I will always have your back”.
2015 reminded me who my real friends are,
the ones who stuck with me through every thick and thin
regardless of how much I pushed them away
and said “I’m okay” when I am not.
2015 reminded me of friends who I should cherish more,
the ones who I neglected,
the ones who I overlooked
and took for granted.
Most importantly,
2015 reminded me how much I am loved
by the people around me.

2015 taught me to lower down my guard,
and to let in those who had fought hard to earn my trust.
2015 taught me to accept reality
with a bigger heart and an open mind.
2015 saw me opening up and talking to people about my emotional struggles.


2015 saw me at the prime of my game, physically.

I threw punches and kicks.
I lifted weights.
I squatted with weights. [Achievement unlocked!]
I ran more miles.

I am not too sure if it was the change of mindset or peer pressure that pushed me to start getting into better shape, but I am immensely thankful for that. Cardio workouts six days a week, followed by jogging and high-intensity interval training twice a week – boy, was I at a high. I broke my preconceived stigma about the gym and lifting weights when I bought a one-month gym pass, and I am looking forward to more gym sessions next year. I was fueled with motivation to participate in runs and completed my first ever obstacle course race.

At the same time,
2015 saw me hit the lowest of lows, emotionally.

It showed me that the strongest bond can be broken by something (or someone) in the blink of an eye – one small thing changes everything.
I failed the CLP examinations, a milestone that I aimed to achieve and my passport to the legal profession.
I argued and lost my patience far too many times with the person I hold the closest to my heart.
I lost friendships that I thought would last a lifetime.
I gave away too many benefits of the doubt and put too much of hope on people, only to be torn down over time and time again.

I lost a part of myself in the midst of it all, because that is when I realised how hurt I was. I almost always feel uncomfortable talking about how I deal with my emotional struggles, but it has been far too taxing this year. I see myself lose that tinge of optimism in me, succumbing into such darkness that I never expect of myself. I spent too many nights lying awake in bed, crying myself to sleep, jolting awake from endless nightmares and vivid dreams… it seems like a repetition of 2014 with more severity. It got to the point that I lost my appetite entirely, struggled to sleep and lost my drive to do the things that I love. It is true that a lot of people with emotional struggles had it far worse than I do, but it is such a ride through hell for me so much so that I reached to the brink of seeking for professional help.

I saw myself getting better, but I still have my worse days too. It is an uphill battle from here but each day will be easier to get by; amidst rocky roads, there are smooth trail roads too. I get to be who I am today and to see how much I have grown from these mess. The strength is not the the easiest to gain, but it is so rewarding to know how much stronger I get after each downfall. Emotional battles and relapses will continue to remind me that I can brave each storm, and soon I will see the finish line.


I’d lie if I say I am not one of the people who claimed “2015 is a shit year”. But the bottom line is, 2015 has been nothing short of a wonderful year.


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2015, thanks for the memories and life lessons.
2016, I am ready to welcome you with open arms, an open mind and a bigger heart.


While I am out eating and drinking the last day of the year away, I hope that each and every one of you will stay safe, be merry and usher in the new year happily (and soberly).

Have a very blessed and happy new year, everyone.
Here’s to 2016! 🙂



For me, the biggest life lesson of 2015 is learning to let go.
One and a half years on, yet I am still learning.


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Think of it in a similar way to the seven stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, reflection and loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, acceptance and hope. I suppose the battle was made tougher because I was caught up in my own bubble of beliefs.

What we had was not something that lasted very long to begin with,
but that does not make it hurt any lesser.
That does not make the quality of it lesser.
That does not make moving on easier.

It is a punch in the gut to realise how things have to end the way they did. I was tormented with the what ifs, the whys, the hows, the could have beens, the would have beens. I realised how much of a mistake it was to skip the grieving and to get down to the grind, busying myself in hopes of forgetting you when all it did was to make everything worse. I was battered with immense self-doubt and I was always swarmed with the thoughts of how I will never be good enough, never smart enough, never attractive enough – losing all my self-esteem in one go. In the midst of living with an idealised image of you, I forgot to reflect on my actions and decisions. To top it off, I was too engrossed with the distractions of you that I do not know why everything went down south until it was too late – I cared far too little about myself and was blindsided. The key was to have rational, good, and realistic idealised images of you while fighting the cynic in me, but it is quite a balance to strike and I admittedly failed to see the better side of things.

When you said that we are better off away from each other and not in talking terms, it hurt. It hurt, but it was something that was needed to be done. What I know is that you have earned a special spot in my heart; what I don’t know is whether I am someone equally special to you, or whether I am just another addition to your jar of hearts. I always wondered if you flinched at the thought of losing me, but I suppose that it did not matter – at some point in our lives, we are just the other guy or girl to someone else. It made me feel belittled and it tore me down. The rejection felt like the whole world rejected me, but heck it was a breathe of fresh air upon realisation.

You know what they say that the only way a wound can heal is if you stop touching it? The thing about this wound is that it itches almost all the time and you’d scratch it more often than not. For me, the wound is healing bit by bit. There are still nights that I have relapses: I wallow and mull over it for hours before falling asleep, only to wake up feeling a tad better than I was. It has not been the best healing process, but it is a healing process nonetheless. To my surprise, I feel a surge of relief that you have been minimising me out of your life. Perhaps it is better that you no longer speak to me at your own accord, perhaps it is how you do things, perhaps it is a wise move. Perhaps it is for the best that now all we do is have occasional exchange of text messages. What I know is that I am slowly but surely doing much better without you, physically and mentally.

In the end, I accept that we have to move past this. I respect your decision and despite being bitter about it, this is something that I have to live with and focus in working towards other goals. I decided that it was about time that I focus on my self-improvement. Soon enough, I stopped measuring how much you fought for other people against how much you fought for me; I learnt it the hard way that it is different, and it does not determine how I ‘deserve’ you or how you should love me.

A lot of well-intentioned people tend to trivialise things, sugarcoat the truth and coddle me with the whole “you will find someone better” / “you deserve so much more” thing, in hopes of making me feel better. But it is time and several people facing the same struggle that understood me, helping me put everything into context and to validate my love for you.

In a moment of surrender, I want you to know that my love for you knows no boundaries and no condition. Someone once told me that one’s unconditional love for another is a beauty that we rarely have the privilege to enjoy. It is the saddest yet somewhat satisfying kind of love, because all you’d want is for the other person to be happy. Despite not getting anything in return, it is the satisfaction of seeing the smile on their faces and how they are genuinely happy that is truly rewarding. Only this time, all you can do is to love from a distance. It is ridiculous that sometimes we are not allowed to care, love and give to the person we adore so much any longer that we want to.

I believe that I had my fair share of persistence and giving endless benefits of the doubts. I believe that I have done enough to fight for a spot in your heart and busted my ass to becoming the best. It has come to this inevitable point in our lives where we are falling out. As much as I hate to say this, but now I believe when you said that you did not appreciate me enough, that you are the one on the loosing end here, that I will find someone else when I am ready to love again, and that there is someone who would definitely appreciate me more than you did. I believe your assertion that I should find someone who appreciates all my qualities.

I trust that you and I both shaped each other to be who we are today in some way. We could have done it ourselves, but we had the privilege of having each other as support systems. I may not be the best to give you what you are looking for, but I hope that it was what you needed at that point in time. I’d like to think that I helped you in your lonelier days when it was too overwhelming for you, but I never needed a reciprocal return. It’s just how I love – wholeheartedly, despite differences in every aspect, because I chose to love you; it is not the kind of love that everybody can give and receive. From all that has happened, the only things that I can keep are our memories, tinted with slight melancholy but forever special to me as long as the stars remember to shimmer. I will always remember that you are the best thing that happened to me two years ago. Remember that all I ever want is the best of everything for you, and that is why I let you go, so that you can truly be happy with whoever you want, wherever you are.

I am glad for the torment that you put me through. I saw the beauty of what we had despite the colossal mess and that made me appreciate you more, whether as a friend or someone more than a friend. It forced myself back on my two feet and fight the pain. I hope that someday I will be able to look back and to be proud of who I have become.

There is still a long way until this storm passes
but one thing is for sure:
someday, I will be dancing in the rain,
and without you by my side.