Stay afloat, don’t drown.

 

It has been a busy start to the first month of 2017.
I have been trying to sort out my priorities,
mainly job hunting.
For the past 5 weeks, the uncertainties don’t get any lesser.
Every application I make is a test of luck.
Every step I take is a leap of faith.

 

The peer pressure is setting in.
I tend to be lost in conversations with friends
because when everyone talks about their career,
it hits me:
I have no colleagues to praise / rant about.
I have no work stress to complain about.
I have no job to talk about.
It is difficult and frustrating
when I feel like I have so much to offer,
yet to only come back struggling with reality.

 

I’d say that it is just a phase,
and I hope that I am right.

 

Overdue emotions? Nah, not quite.

 

20 weeks.

 

That’s how long it has been since the baby of the family, aka my best-est friend in the world / partner-in-crime / annoying, pain-in-the-ass but adorable sister has left home for the land down under.

 

She’s doing incredibly well – both in adapting to a new environment and in her studies (thank goodness that she doesn’t take after her sister’s lack of enthusiasm for a lot of things hah) – that everyone back home is immensely proud of her. Also, she is in the running for two internationally-recognised undergraduate research awards!! (EXCUSE ME WHILE I GUSH ABOUT HOW SMART MY SISTER IS). Yes, she is still as gullible and naive as she will ever be in certain things. Some things never change, eh? I love hearing her fill me in about the city that is ever so lively, filled with festivals and full of culture and amazing people; I can’t wait to see it for myself in due time!

 

She is so drawn into the things that she talks about whenever we are on Skype calls. Whether it is about the subjects that she’s taking, her ever-so-lovely hallmate next door who is always sharing food with her, our family friend who has been such a dear to her and taking her out to meals with his family on weekends, her rants about the crazy Melbourne weather, her latest obsession with computer games (??!!), her nights out – I am always all ears and I am brimming with joy on the inside to know that she is having the best time of her life.

 

I rarely talked about how much I miss her. I guess that’s what makes us very different from each other – she is more expressive and open about her emotions, while I shy away from things that jerks and thugs my heartstrings.

 

I thought I was going to be alright with her leaving to complete her studies, and I suppose that’s because it didn’t impact me for a while… until one night when the parents were away that I realised how eerily silent (not in the horror movie way, mind you; it’s more of the melancholic way) it was upstairs. I thought being away from home in the past year which had made me very comfortable in my own company makes this easier, but it does not.

 

As much as our gang of friends are keeping me company most of the time, somehow they will never match up to yours. No one is going to burst into my room for nonchalant things. No one is going to sit quietly next to my study table, looking for the best time to start distracting me. No one is going to share the burden of the occasional yelling that I get from Mum for being quite the rebel. No one is going to bug me to take a drive for McDonald’s sundae cone AND a large pack of French fries. No one is going to be my human motivational poster. No one is going to sit beside me on the piano bench to correct my hand placement on the piano keys. No one is going to binge watch TV shows with me and give me juxtapositions of characters, scene settings and the like.

 

I miss having her around – period.

 

–

[Oh boy does it feel oh-so-good when all the pent up emotions are released.]

 

The last 20 hours was horrendous.

 

My body decide to fail on me this weekend and succumb to a leaky nose, scratchy throat and a body temperature of a race track. (Nope, Mum, I am preeeeeetty sure it wasn’t all the food that I had yesterday… *inserts angelic emoji*).

 

Here’s to a new week! x

F.E.A.R.

The post-graduate life, the space in between an undergraduate student and a working adult, is a mere grandiose facade.

Period.

–

Wake up-eat-study-cook meals-eat-study-work out-eat-study-sleep. 

It is a simple repetition of this routine on a weekday basis, followed by long hours of revision classes on the weekends to wrap up the week.

It has been 8 weeks, so what is another 6 weeks of the cycle?

… Except that I am starting to feel the burnout and the underlying exhaustion alongside the escalating stress and fear of screwing up in the examination.

“You hang in there, do whatever you’re supposed to be doing and block away the bullshit that does you no good. You already got your shit together so you’re not going to screw this up. You got this.”

Oh God, grant me the strength to pull through another seven weeks until the exams.

---

“I don’t usually do this for students, but I think you guys have to hear it from me.

Now, I  know that a lot of people don’t take me seriously when I say certain things. But what I want you to know, something that I have told you guys before, is that you are all here because of a divine calling. Not many people are as fortunate to be given the opportunity to graduate with a Law degree and to be here to take the CLP exam. So now that you are all here, it is something – it is a divine calling.

‘Forget Everything And Run’

F.E.A.R.

‘Face Everything And Rise’

If I were you, I’d choose the latter and overcome the fear.

The next seven weeks is crucial, and you have seven weeks to change your future. All you need to do is to pass the exam to cross over to the other side. Remember: you are given this opportunity, so do not screw this up, not when this is in your hands.

I hope to see you on the other side.”