grief & loss in the pandemic

What a tough season it is. As if there were not enough adversities since the global pandemic, life threw a huge curveball in the last 2 months. The family was infected with Covid-19 and Dad passed away due to secondary infections from the virus. 

Losing Dad was tough because like many deaths in the pandemic, it happened too soon. It was made tougher because I knew we could have done more than just dialing 999 to get him medical assistance after numerous fights over the phone because he refused to be hospitalised in early May. But the most brutal part of all? How and what to do the moment after Dad passed on.  

One month has passed yet the loss and grief is still as raw as the wee hours of 4 June.

–

It was 7.15am and it had been 3 hours since we got to the hospital after the emergency call from the on-call doctor in the ICU ward. We had been by Dad’s side for over 45 minutes, accompanied by the alarming beeping sounds from the monitor and surrounded by doctors and nurses nearby. Tears rolled down endlessly as my eyes were plastered to the monitor screen, watching the numbers reducing until single digits. I saw flatlines on the screen and I knew that Dad was gone but I was numb. I couldn’t move and it felt like my feet were cemented to the floor. 

I did not want to deal with the reality of the after and what’s to come next. But it became real when a nurse approached me 20 minutes later and gently told us that Dad had passed peacefully.

After hugging mum and my sister, I walked to the nurse’s counter and asked the doctor, “what should we do next?”. 

The tricky part about dealing with death is that no one teaches you how and what comes after a person dies: the hospital paperworks, death certificate forms, body identification at the morgue, calling family and friends to inform of the death, contacting the funeral parlour to make funeral arrangements. This becomes trickier in a lockdown period during the pandemic, when all of these had to be done as soon as possible. 

The next 12 hours was a marathon of phone calls and decision making, and boy were they difficult and painful.

–

One thing that became apparent in the past month is how consuming grief can be on top of recovering from long term effects of Covid-19.

The heart feels heavy almost all the time and I don’t feel 100%. Getting teary-eyed in the middle of the day seems like a routine. Things like ambulance sirens give me goosebumps and reading news about the current Covid situation in the country makes me feel queasy. Feelings are often numbed, coupled with brain fog and fatigue.

While there are so many messages and phone calls from people around us offering support, it somehow does not feel enough. It’s foolish and insensitive to complain because I have the privilege of a comfortable home, an army of family and friends for support, job security and relatively good health. To top it off, the words of encouragement and care packages in the form of food, flowers and little gifts have been pouring in endlessly from people near and far.

It’s the reassurance that I have to not feel jaded and let my emotions get the best of me. To all of you who have been here for me and my family and I, I can’t thank you enough ♥️

–

Navigating through the waves of emotion in grieving during this bleak period is painful and exhausting, but there is certainly light at the end of the tunnel. For this light will help guide us through the pain and tears behind the smiles and laughs.

My heart goes out to those who are experiencing grief and loss of every sort in this season, and may we find the strength to make it through the storm.

Let’s get lost in Wonder(land)

Most people who knows me or follows me on social media is aware of the amount of love and undying support for a Canadian singer-songwriter: Shawn Mendes. Mention anything Shawn-related and you’ll see a different side of me. (Try it and you’ll find out 😂)

Last year’s Shawn Mendes The Tour was literally the best night of my life. Like many other artists, Shawn put together a new album during the pandemic. The announcement of a new album in October really got me excited. All the hyped that was built around the new sounds and honest feelings had me looking forward to 4 December. Like any fan in the Mendes Army, I got on the Wonder bandwagon and collected little Easter eggs of the new album from interviews and live performances of the promo for the title track. I was on a hype for the album release and counted down to the minute it was released, despite the time zone difference and while in the midst of a work day. Yes, this is how much I adore him.

Here’s my personal take on Wonder the album.

Wonder is good but not the best, because I honestly think that it could be so much better. At this point, Illuminate still stands as my all-time favourite album – who can deny Shawn crooning away to John Mayer-esque tunes?

Lyrically, it does not hit the spot for me as they are on a very surface level. All the words about love, being in love and struggling with reality would be better if he had dug deeper with how all these feelings actually made him feel. Now it sounds like a mere declaration. I wonder if this is his take on being completely honest underneath his well-loved charm and personality.

What makes this album good is how it sounds. I suppose with mediocre lyrics the focus is more driven towards the music. It has a good mix of inspirations from various eras of music: 60’s/70’s, The Beach Boys, Beatles, dance pop, and a tiny bit of John Mayer. I love how Shawn is putting his own touch to music of different genres, and aced it with a few songs (Wonder, Teach Me How To Love, Dream, Song For No One, Piece of You). His vocals are so good and smooth, and his falsettos are top notch – it is evident that his hard work is paying off very well.

Intro flows nicely with Wonder, which tops the list of my favourite songs from Shawn. The way these two songs fuse together set a benchmark of what I’d expect the rest of the album to sound like. When I listened to the whole album in chronological order, I don’t feel the album – not even after a few more rounds of listening. More on this later while I dive in to some of my favourites from the album.

Dream sounds like an inspiration from The Everly Brothers’ ‘All I Have To Do Is Dream’ with a modern touch to the music with the synths and the harmonies in the background that blends so well. Listening to it feels like a dream. Teach Me How To Love is an instant reminder of Harry Styles’ ‘Watermelon Sugar’. This R&B-funk combo about coming of age is nicely done and Shawn nailed the dance-pop vibes. I like Piece Of You because it’s different from the rest of the songs. It’s a good take on a Jet / The White Stripes influence with the synth-rock and somewhat shows a dark side of Shawn.

Song For No One immediately becomes a favourite of mine, lyrically and musically. It’s a take on loneliness that starts off quietly with guitar plucking and builds progressively midway with a 60’s-Beatles sound. Mmm. Look Up At The Stars starts with a tranquil piano arrangement and has a great melody to it. Written as a dedication to fans, this one caught my heart and I can imagine how a mash up with Never Be Alone in concert will have me bawling my eyes out :’)

All in all, Wonder has a wonderful array of sounds that are often grandiose with symphonies of synths and backing harmonies – a redemption of surface level lyrics. This is by far the most interesting-sounding album from Shawn. A couple of songs are nailed down very well, but the attempt of combining a vast mix of sounds from another time and world came off sounding like a collection of songs in a compilation album, something like a ‘Shawn Mendes: Greatest Hits’ kind of album. Nevertheless, Wonder opens up the doors to the kind of music he could potentially dive into in the future. Thankfully his undeniably smooth vocals, powerful falsetto and ever-loving charm that makes this album worth it.

In spite of that, it does not change my love for this Canadian crooner. Continue writing songs from the heart and creating magic in your art. I love you so very much, Shawn Mendes ♥️

–

“told you that I really love you
you did not reciprocate those feelings
but that’s okay, I’ll be fine anyway”

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an adieu

 

Saying goodbye has never been so tough.

 

 

I’ve always envisioned a job at a high rise building, dressed in formal office wear, going back and forth from the courthouse. To fresh grad me in 2014, that was the dream. In the back of my mind, that’s how I’d make my parents proud and measure success in my career. That’d be when I’ve made it in life.

This dream was blurred out during a bleak period of time between 2016 to 2017. I had a taste of the legal profession and realised that I cannot picture myself making a career out of it. Retaking the CLP exam twice and failing both times put things to perspective for me. (To feed all your curiosity, I’ve moved on from paving a career path in the legal profession – the world is an oyster 🙂).

That’s when I realise how naive my understanding of the real world is. If it wasn’t for the abrupt move to sign up for volunteering abroad and getting away in 2016, I would not have found myself at Happy Bunch in 2017 and making a career out of flowers, customer service and marketing – the 3 things that I’ve never saw myself doing.

Truth: I did not even like flowers in the first place. HAHA!

 

 

3 years of learning curves, personal development and good times that I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world. Sleepless nights and exciting projects aplenty that kept me on my toes. Colleagues that became close friends who eventually became family with a great culture at the workplace. I admit that there were a lot of frustration, fear, tears and over exhaustion. What’s more, the countless naysayers who doubted my choice of a job and the career path to grow in.

But was it all worth it? Definitely.

There’s more to success than being defined by the figures on my paycheck, my job title or the company that I work at. There’s more to success than the car I own, vacations I can afford or luxuries I splurge on. Success, I realise, is measured differently for everyone at different points of life. Success is also in the form of how much you’ve grown as a person, the way you manage a crisis, how your thought process has matured. At least that’s what success is to me for the last 3 years.

 

 

I’ll always be grateful for that day in 2017 when I stumbled upon the part-time job posting and decided to give it a shot. Little did I know that I’d end up growing and building a career, learning so much about the industry and loving what I do because it was not just another job. Even the long hours and workload over seasons like Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day got me excited and as crazy as it sounds, I loved it.

But most of all, I am eternally thankful for the people that I’ve worked with throughout these years. Thank you for enriching my life in your own ways, for teaching me love & care beyond what I know, for helping me believe that it’s never too much until you’ve given your all.

 

 

As all good things are, they always come to an end. It is one of the toughest decisions to make and I left with a heavy heart.

Thank you for everything, Happy Bunch – you will always have a special place in my heart ❤️

Here’s to new beginnings for the second half of 2020.

this season has shown me…

 

1. … how I take spending time with my loved ones (especially the elderly) for granted. I saw Grandma for the first time in 39 days yesterday. The caregivers at the nursing home were kind enough to oblige to my request, even if it means saying hi (waving frantically would be a more accurate description) from the front porch at a six feet distance. I left with tears welling up in my eyes after saying goodbye.
2. … that there are people out there who cares for you. They come in simple forms like a phone call, a text message to check in with you, or a sharing a meme or funny video. Some go as far as care package in the form of food deliveries: from a DIY pizza kit to cheesecakes and to an entire meal from Village Roasted Duck. (thank you ❤)
3. … how much little gestures are appreciated. I’ve ordered desserts to be delivered to friends, just because. It’s so nice to know that little pick-me-ups managed to turn someone’s day around.
4. … how miraculous reaching out to people can be. I cannot emphasise how important the human connection is right now, especially when we are physically distancing from each other. While hugs are non-existent now, words are the new form of hugs. Reconnecting with a few friends and a significant someone has never felt so good.

 

 

 

Most of all, this season has shown me how much one would do out of love, putting behind grudges and pains of the past – even if it circumstances are different than before.

–

Stay safe and be well, everyone. May we continue to flatten the curve and put an end to this global pandemic.

a new normal

Day 24 (or have I lost count?) at home. There’s lesser hustle and bustle from outside the living room window. Rows and rows of cars idling in the parking lot. More woks and pots clanging, sometimes in harmony, as dinner time approaches. Sometimes it’s pin drop silence, which is rare in the city.

Since the covid-19 pandemic outbreak happened, a Movement Control Order (MCO) was announced and everything changed overnight. I think a lot of us are experiencing this for the first time in our lives and now is a scary time that we live in – it’s a different kind of fear and trauma from a war or natural disaster.

I am lucky to have a roof over my head, food on the table and most importantly for me now, financial stability because I still have a job which I love and enjoy (despite tougher circumstances). Others have it worse, especially frontliners in healthcare and essential services as well as those who have lost their jobs. I am in no place to complain, but gosh these are such difficult times. I can’t speak on behalf of everyone – that isn’t fair because we go through different circumstances and feel differently. But I am sure that some of you can relate to how and what I feel.

 

 

There is so much that we learn in this season that we would not have otherwise, especially about ourselves. All the uncertainties, vulnerabilities, fears and gratitude that we experience day to day.

Here’s a good reminder for us (and especially myself): It’s okay to feel what you feel right now. It’s okay to react calmly or to overreact. It’s okay, really.

It’s okay to not keep up with the news anymore (but make sure that you are still aware of what’s happening!). To some, it’s the need to stay posted about the current situation and to make big, important decisions. But for some, like me, all the news and articles about everything covid-19 related worries me so much that it adds more to my anxiety. I remember that on the third night of MCO, I lay awake in bed and I just couldn’t stop thinking about the effect of this pandemic on my livelihood, work and the world. The next thing I know, I was sobbing and shaking with fear until 4am. When I stopped aggressively keeping up with the news, I felt so much better.

It’s okay to want to be alone. Don’t get me wrong: I love how my colleagues and some friends are putting in the effort to check in with me. But there are also days that I appreciate the loneliness, because now I don’t have to whip up an excuse when I don’t feel up for socialising – though on lonelier days, it makes me want to tear down all four walls to get out. It’s crazy to feel two extremes of this emotion – I hope I’m not the only one.

It’s okay to be frustrated at yourself for overreacting over the littlest of things or for being selfish. This whole work from home situation has thrown me off guard as I try to make it work and stay focused. While I am adjusting to a new work environment, so are the people at home = my parents. I tend to forget sometimes that it’s not just me. Sometimes it’s frustrating when the ‘ideal’ work environment that I built for this unexpected times isn’t that ideal. These are trying times and everyone’s a little more sensitive and edgy. So I repeat this mantra in my head over and over again, which worked and helped me cope: times are tough, everyone’s sensitive and a little edgy, it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to not be productive and it’s okay to take a break – FOR REAL. ‘Nuff said.

 

 

Now that you know and acknowledge what you feel, you’ve got to process those feelings too. This is the one thing I struggle with. I tend to skip this part, because it’s easier to stash it away and move on – amirite or amirite?

Through this MCO period, I am mostly just executing my routine: wake up, workout (on alternate days), get some chores & laundry done, shower, make coffee, work, break for lunch, work, pack down work station, cook/help with preparing dinner, mop floor, shower, eat dinner, sanitise surfaces, sleep. This is mainly on weekdays and it’s pretty much like my usual day-to-day routine, except that I am religiously cleaning and disinfecting every single day (yes, I’m more hardworking now). By the time I end my day, I wind down with an episode or two on Netflix and I crash into a deep slumber almost immediately, leaving me with little to zero time to process how I feel.

Taking this for granted made me very edgy and anxious on some days. That’s when I start to consciously process my feelings as I go during the day – I’d like to call it ’emotional breaks’, just like how we have our phone & social media breaks.  I reckon that you do that too, if you haven’t already!

This period of time made us live through all the impossibilities in the world that we live in. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, people who love me and I can even afford some luxuries like the occasional travelling and splurging on things that I want – I am privileged in that sense, like many others too. I’ve never felt so robbed of my livelihood, not until this pandemic outbreak. Now almost everything is a luxury that we can’t have: a run in the park or on the road. Drinks with friends. Dining outside for dinner. The freedom to take a long drive. The list is endless – I could go on.

After this, I am never taking anything for granted again.

 

 

Everyday is a new test of tolerance and patience. It’s a rinse and repeat cycle. You learn something new about yourself everyday, besides skills.

Empathy is so important, more than ever before. Everyone is going through a rough patch now, even if they are a little well of than the rest, even if they are healthy and comfortable at home. Everyone has their own set of problems. Most of us are worried about surviving financially or what the future holds for us from here on. So if we could share a little more empathy towards someone else, that would help make things a little better. Here’s the best part: it’s free of charge 🙂

One last thing. I feel the need to reconnect with people more than ever. I for one take people for granted and during this period, I took some time to reconnect with friends – especially those who I’ve lost touch with (sorry if my message caught you off guard). The human connection is so powerful and rewarding, and it’s such a shame that it took this pandemic for me to truly understand the importance. I may not be the most interesting, wisest nor understanding person to talk to but hey, just opening up this door to anyone. It can be a conversation about anything and everything, or just a simple hello!

 

 

Meanwhile, I will continue trying to keep my sanity intact through yet another 2-week MCO extension (I hope 28 April will be the last of it… please). I’m also making it a point to make sure I fit through the door once MCO is lifted.

Always wash your hands, stay safe and be well – we got this. 💪🏼

 

Anew

Have you ever feel so happy for someone, so much that it feels like your heart is swelling? You feel the muscles in your heart contract and expand loudly against your chest while you watch their life unfold beautifully before your eyes. You can’t help but to feel the waterworks stirring up by the simple words paired with those beautiful photos.

You know that you shouldn’t be saying this, but they do not deserve you. They deserve someone who could give more and love wholeheartedly. They deserve better than best, more than what you could give. Some things are not meant right here, right now – it is not paved in your path and it makes sense now.

Perhaps it is how things should be. You feel a huge relief washing down and you are at ease. Who would have thought that someone else’s happiness could make you feel so content?

Perhaps this is how a different kind of love feels like.

“It’s not the end; it’s only the beginning.”

 

I owe myself a good story to tell the world about the last quarter of 2016.

Going through a rough patch for the entire year, all I wanted was a temporary escape. A brave leap of faith turned out to be the most precious and priceless experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything else in this world.

One month of service training and three months abroad in Cambodia, I am glad to say that I have settled back home once again, but as a changed person with broader perspectives and new goals to achieve.

I know, I know. It has been quite a long while since I got home and the post-mission withdrawal symptoms have died down, but it is never easy to pen down such indescribable memories with words for the eyes of the world to read.

Well, now I am ready to tell my MYCorps story.

–

You know what they say about tough times changing people?

2015 was pretty much a crap load of shit to take in. To know that I am stuck behind the barrier stopping me from joining my peers to start a career in the legal profession made me question my interest in this chosen pathway. Inevitably, it made me question all my decisions that I have made in my life. It then became frustrating and scary to realise that I achieved very little and have only a small handful of things that I was proud of. Soon, it dawned to me that I no longer know what I wanted to do, and what I am good at. There was so much of self-doubt and emotional bashing that I could only take, so one April morning in 2015, I got up and decided that I want to start a change with myself first. Little did I realise that I put my own wellbeing at risk while I was too focused burning the midnight oil studying or too busy keeping up with my social life.

I picked up running again and alternate with cross training, focusing on building strength. With running and training I realised how focused, disciplined and persistent I could be. Even until today, two years down the road, being able to beat PBs with each passing week of running and lifting heavier weights made me feel alive, positive and happy. That is when I knew I could take it a notch higher and make a change on a larger scale – and that is the day I came across MYCorps in August 2016.

I was trying to maintain composure and get my head in revising to sit for the CLP examinations for the second time, and MYCorps came up on my Twitter suggestions page. A quick glance was all it took for me to start filling up the application form. The only thing that came in my way was a video submission that follows, and it wasn’t until hours before the application deadline (aka the night before exams) that I hastily wrote a script and sat in front of the webcam of my laptop to make a recording. I consider myself lucky to be shortlisted – I remember scrolling through my Instagram feed after my last paper and saw my name as one of the 50 chosen participants! In that moment, all I could do was to thank my lucky stars that stopped my reluctance from completing the application with the video submission.

That was when I knew good things were coming my way. 🙂

 

---

 

MYCorps Service Training, September 2016.

 

I remember feeling jittery and nervous albeit the excitement as orientation day for the one-month service training drew closer. I think most of the nerves was the fear of not being able to live up such a priceless experience up to my expectations. Not again, not more self-doubts, I thought to myself. All it took was a brave step forward and I am mingling with my dorm mates and the other girls in the other dorms at the International Youth Centre (IYC). In a matter of days, I was cracking jokes and having a good time with everyone.

 

I suppose one of my biggest personal hurdle initially was conversing in Malay, when I have been speaking English all my life. Picking up the slangs from different states was one of the toughest, especially the Kelantanese slang. (Good gosh, I can never make sense of anything in that slang!)

 

One of the very first selfies taken. 🙂

Face-painted happiness!

Laundry night shenanigans.

Bus rides to workshops held out of the IYC.

Quiet downtime at the end of a long day of service training.

The beginning of what eventually turned into a favourite pastime in Cambodia.

Taking the lift shenanigans.

Room 208 shenanigans.

Any time is photo time, always.

Trying on our newly-branded safety helmets!

 

Team MAGIC.

Team MAGIC’s very first photo. I must say that this makes it look like as if we have known each other for a long time. 😀

 

It was also the beginning of no-shame selfies and photos – taking decent photos were close to non-existent.

 

 

See what I mean?

 

Funny how we bonded so quickly and worked well together since the beginning – a diversity in age, background, culture and opinion could not stop us. I have said this countless of times, but this team is the dream team. :’)

 

One of our proudest moments that I still remember until today: dominating the Number Punch challenge during the teambuilding workshop.

 

First aid course workshop.

 

Jungle induction (or as how I would like to call it, 3D2N camping à la Survivor).

 

Basic builder workshop. 

Sadly, I caught a cold and was down with high fever during the first workshop.

 

Design thinking workshop.

 

Cultural immersion and cultural exchange workshop.

 

Fundraising activities.

 

Soup kitchen experience.

 

Meeting YB KJ before departure.

 

---

 

Four weeks had so much piled up on the plates of the MCVs (MYCorps volunteers). Knowing that was enough to get me excited for what is to come when the mission begins. It was exciting to know the workshops that were in store for us: life skills, fundraising, teambuilding, health and fitness, outdoor cooking, cultural immersion, community awareness, first aid, jungle induction, basic builder, volunteerism, soup kitchen experience. It was indeed a handful to take in, but I would say that most were of good help during my time in Cambodia. It isn’t all about the experiences from the workshops, but the bigger part of it is the underlying lessons that comes with them. That was the start of the building of soft skills such as communication, leadership, empathy, critical thinking, teamwork, emotional intelligence, compassion – just to name a few.

 

 

More importantly, the four weeks that we spend being around each other made us family. We knew each others’ quirks and habits, and we quickly grew comfortable with a new family.

 

 

I still remember the initial anxiety greeting me again the night before we depart for Cambodia.Our last night at the IYC was hilariously hectic. Clothes were strewn all over the bed, personal belongings clutter the walkway of the dorms, doors wide opened with people entering and exiting clutching items to be packed, us MCVs sitting at the hallway in our respective teams to pack up our team boxes (comprising mostly of food – instant curry paste, papadoms, Maggi instant noodles, cream crackers, Milo sachets, Boh teabags, dried shrimp and anchovies, belacan, sweet soya sauce, etc.) – it was quite a scene to remember. I suppose in turn it transcends to our excitement and underlying anxiety of the months ahead of us.

 

---

 

Regrets? There were none. 🙂

 

For me, the best takeaway from the service training was how much positive change I saw in myself in such a short period of time. The surreality of embarking on the a life-changing journey made me feel so alive and so thankful that I did not give this opportunity a pass. I was definitely the best version of myself, bursting with energy all day long, enthusiastic to learn and pick up new skills.

 

I was happy.

 

---

 

There is more to come, so stay tuned!

 

The fall.

I just want to run away.

Get me out of this,
get me out of here.

24.

 

With every passing year, birthdays no longer appeal to me like how they used to.

 

I used to look forward to balloons, cakes, presents, and dinner parties with a large group of friends. I used to expect my Facebook wall to be flooded with birthday wishes that takes days to say my thank yous to. Phone calls, Skype calls, personal messages would keep me occupied from when the clock strikes midnight up till the wee hours of the morning.

 

Perhaps it is finally coming to realise that there is no need for the fancy birthday celebration. Perhaps it is part of growing up (and older… sigh).

 

Turning another year older this year, it has come to a point that I reevaluate the people who I surround myself with in the last three years and it boils down to this:

 

Nobody is too busy; that is just an excuse and it really is a matter of priorities.

 

To be honest, I acknowledge and accept the fact that people grow apart and outgrow each other. It took a while, but I get it now. Two people who used to be able talk about everything and anything but could no longer do the same. Two people who used to be able to spend time together – even in silence – but the silence is now too much to take. There may not be a conflict or squabble; it just… happened.

 

To those that took the effort to send birthday text messages, video and messages on my social media pages, and even Instagram posts – thank you, I truly appreciate them and they made me really happy. 🙂

 

To those who went the extra mile by making time to accompany me and even buying me a meal – you earned a special spot in my heart. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate the kindness that is given, the quality of people that I should surround myself with. ❤

 

I'd say that it is a birthday weekend well spent with people that I love, delicious meals, and 14 slices of cake.

 

(Seriously, that's more cake than I could ever imagine myself eating. Gosh.)

 
 

 

 

 

 
 

–

 

The night before my birthday is somewhat akin to New Year’s Eve. It is a night I spend recapping the year and thinking about what I want for myself in the coming year.

 

Turning 24, my goals for this year does not differ much from last year.

 

This year is another year on the journey of self-discovery, mainly from the fitness aspect. I have signed up for three half marathons and one 10KM run so far, so that keeps me grounded to do my weekly runs. Hopefully it gives me enough motivation to get back to train for the Spartan races and to try a CrossFit gym.

 

I am still on my journey to being a happier person with a lighter heart. I am still learning to embrace my failures and to look at them as lessons to success. I’d say that I have been very much open and accepting that my bad days are not all that bad; there is so much of good that I get out of them. Arguably, I am happier than I have ever been in the last three years and I tell you the feeling is so wonderful. It is like the indescribable fulfillment that I have from serving in the MYCorps mission, except that the fulfillment is for myself.

  
 
 

Here’s to 24.
(That glass of Balvenie 14 Year Caribbean Cask though – good stuff!)

 

 
 
 

Stay afloat, don’t drown.

 

It has been a busy start to the first month of 2017.
I have been trying to sort out my priorities,
mainly job hunting.
For the past 5 weeks, the uncertainties don’t get any lesser.
Every application I make is a test of luck.
Every step I take is a leap of faith.

 

The peer pressure is setting in.
I tend to be lost in conversations with friends
because when everyone talks about their career,
it hits me:
I have no colleagues to praise / rant about.
I have no work stress to complain about.
I have no job to talk about.
It is difficult and frustrating
when I feel like I have so much to offer,
yet to only come back struggling with reality.

 

I’d say that it is just a phase,
and I hope that I am right.

 

Stay?

 
 

 

Wow, this must be a bitter pill to swallow.

 

–

  

An important lesson to take away: stop taking people for granted.

 

Goodbye, 2016; Hello, 2017.

 

Another year has passed.
It is time for a reflection of the year.

 

It feels like it was just yesterday when I was reviewing my last post of 2015 to wrap up the year.

 

2016 whizzed past with a lot of contemplations and doubts about my capabilities to retake the CLP exams for the second time, and whether a job in the legal profession is something that I wanted as a career. I know I wanted something bigger, something different in 2016. I wanted to take risks, I wanted to see how far I could go if I was a little braver. A lot of personal obligations stopped me from getting a job – which in turn stopped me in pursuing interests of my own. But like any other inspiring story that we hear about, I had a breakthrough in the final quarter of the year. I was brave enough to take a leap of faith to make my application to join MYCorps and joining the programme is arguably the best decision that my indecisive of self has made. It is a decision that I have zero regrets with. In return, I got the experience of a lifetime and met lifelong friends. (I promise, separate posts about MYCorps!)

 

Simply to say, 2016 was a lot about taking risks and being braver.
2016 was about regaining trust and reevaluating friendships.
2016 was about building stronger relationships.
2016 was about owning up to my words and living up to my promises.
2016 was about conquering unspoken fears within myself.
2016 was about being humble to learn life lessons from the underprivileged.
2016 was about being better: for myself, for people around me, for the society.

 

What a year it has been.
Damn it, 2016 – you have overdone yourself.

 
 

 
 

2016, thank you for yet another great year of self-discovery and a life-changing experience to wrap up the year.

 

2017, I am ready for another year of making mistakes, learning and growing. I am ready for a year of adventures and crazy risks.

 

Happy New Year, all. 🙂

 

All the possibilities…

 

We always have a choice.
A choice of words,
a choice of actions,
a choice of thoughts;
it is up to us.

 

We have the liberty to say what we want, but often in time we limit ourselves and stop in the tracks before the regret sets in.

 

I could tell you a million things, but I chose to tell you none.

 

I could give in and tell you the truth, but I chose to turn away from you.

 

I could leave when it is the easy way out, but I chose to stay when it is the toughest to do.

 

I want nothing more than to be honest with you, but the choice to maintain the status quo seems to be the wisest.

 
 

… but not for me.

 

FUNdraising 4 Cambodia

 

In case you missed out my previous posts, I am currently undergoing training for the upcoming MYCorps, Cambodia: Mission 2 programme this October along with 49 other MYCorps volunteers (MCVs). This programme is an initiative under the Ministry of Youth and Sports, supported by the International Youth Centre and EPIC Homes. The NGOs that are partnering in this project are RainWater Cambodia (RWC) and the Cambodian Education and Development Fund (CEDF).

 

 

The Pilot Mission and the First Mission focused on building water catchments and latrines in several villages in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap, as well as a nursery and playground. This is so as to tackle the ongoing issue of clean water, leading to issues on hygiene and sanitation. In this upcoming mission, the projects aim to further improve these issues as well as the lack of proper schooling facilities in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap. The first project will be based in four schools in Phnom Penh, where waste incinerators along with hand washing stations will be built and the existing latrines will be rehabilitated. For the second project, a preschool will be built in a village in Siem Reap.

 

 

In order to make the projects work, the MCVs are aiming to raise approximately RM120,000.00 which goes to covering the costs of the projects. The costs mainly covers the construction materials needed for the mission, and any extras will go to furnishing the preschool with furnitures and a playground.

 

 

[Photo credits to the MYCorps officials.]

 

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More importantly, this is something that I vouched for when I found out about the programme.

 

On a personal aspect, it is an escape from emotional mess and problems.
It is a perfectly-timed opportunity to find a bigger sense of purpose in life and to figure out what I want to achieve.
It is a challenge for myself to step out of my comfort zone and to push myself beyond my limits, to put myself out there.
Nevertheless, it is also a temporary break from reality and adulthood.

 

For the bigger part of the reason, I have always wanted to do more volunteering work. Like everyone else, I want to make a difference. I want to give back to the community ever since my volunteering experience from teaching underprivileged children during my college days. Being blessed with the privilege of education, family and a home to grow up in, it is the least I could do to improve the lives of those who are less fortunate; it is our responsibility to the society.

 

I think volunteering gives a different perspective about gratitude. We are well aware that we should practice gratitude everyday; but how many of us say our thank yous? How often do we appreciate the good things that happen to us? How often do we reflect on our actions and the consequences that follow? More often than not, we do not realise how fortunate we are, how blessed we are to be at whatever point in our lives right now. It may not be the best – at least not in our perspectives – but we are so focused on our idealistic perceptions that we forget that there are people who are facing problems with basic necessities.

 

This mission is important to me because it is my belief that everyone should have access to  our basic necessities. Since the genocidal rule of the Khmer Rouge that took away the lives of approximately 1.5 million Cambodians, it has set back the nation development’s back decades. Not only that, health and sanitation issues still remain the nation’s biggest challenge. Most parts of the country lack water and electricity, and the majority of the rural areas do not have plumbing. For the fact that 70% of Cambodians live in rural areas with over 50% of its population not having access to safe drinking water, something has to be done about it. A three-day jungle induction camping experience with limited access to clean water was quite a horrid for us, let alone for those people who have to live with it for a lifetime. A lot of improvement on water sources and sanitation has been done over the years in Cambodia by the government and NGOs, but that is not enough to remedy the problem faced by the nation. As long as the issues on sanitation is not improved, it will continue to curb the nation’s development in areas such as the economy, education, and health access to progress forward as a developed nation.

 

 

Hence, the MCVs and I are raising funds to build the incinerators, hand washing stations, and a preschool. We have been working on various of activities to raise funds, such as the sale of pre-loved items, roses and snacks as well as busking. Our crowdfunding site has just been launched to reach out to a wider audience. CLICK HERE to check out our crowdfunding website, where it is furnished with details of the mission and the donation levels available.  🙂

 

 

 

[NOTE: Donations can also be issued and made to the IYC’s bank account, YAYASAN PUSAT BELIA ANTARABANGSA (Maybank account number: 014132424724).]

 

Help be a part of the solution to the problem. Your donation and support means the world to me, no matter how big or small, and eventually to the underprivileged Cambodians – remember that every dollar counts! Do keep updated with us and our progress in Cambodia on our social media platforms and hashtags:

 

MYCorps, Cambodia: Mission 2 Facebook page
Official Facebook page
Official Twitter account
Official Instagram account
Official website
#MYCorpsCambodia2
#FUNdraise4Cambodia

 

I will try to do my very best to periodically update my social media platforms while I am in Cambodia. Follow me on my journey of the mission on my Twitter account and Instagram account!

 

A huge THANK YOU in advance for taking your time to read this, for reading more about our mission, for making donations and for supporting us on this mission. Stay tuned for more updates!